11 February 2010

Battle with love

When I was a little girl, 6 years old, I thought I was fat. One of my school classmates said it out loud, so I thought it was true. I was ashamed. It never occurred to me that she was wrong. When I look back at school class pictures now, I looked the same as all the other children, but the damage was done. Something changed at that precise moment with the way I felt about myself.

In my teen and young adult years, I wanted badly to have a boyfriend, but I never really did. I did not understand the intricacy of getting to know someone and letting them get to know you. I thought the love dance was merely superficial: labeling the status of a relationship, going out to parties as a couple, acting like you were in love. But I didn’t understand what it felt like to be loved or to extend love. And I strongly suspect this was a result, in part, of the many years of self-loathing that began in the first grade.

This blog is a diary and the thoughts and feelings are my own. It has never been anyone else’s responsibility to make me feel one way or another. There is no blaming or no credit to be assigned out. For most of my life, until recently, there has been a barrier between me and love. I hated love and I grieved over love. It was a battle.

I was able to verbalize it to a therapist a few years ago. Shortly after my marriage ended and I discovered that my life was, in fact going to continue, I realized in order to live it effectively, I’d probably need to solicit some help. Enter the therapist. She asked what I wanted from a love relationship. To my surprise, I was able to answer succinctly: I want to participate in a love relationship where I feel cherished.

That was my first victory in this lifelong battle with love: naming both the obstacle and the desired set of circumstances. My therapist said that was a realistic expectation. Seemed so to me too.

However, in my experience, feeling cherished was not high on that list of feelings with which I identified. More commonly, they would include things like compromised, diminished, marginalized, disappointed. Again, understanding completely that I am solely responsible for my feelings, it is all about my choices and they way I elected to participate in relationships. Relationships with my parents, with myself, with love interests.

Then Cupid flew by my house one night and sprinkled love dust in the air. I awoke the next morning knowing my heart would reopen. And it did. And then it broke again because I fell into an old pattern of behavior. But I saw it and understood. Finally. It was my second victory in my battle with love. That most painful awareness where I stopped applying scotch tape to the gaping wound in my chest. I looked at that wound, ugly as it was, and then tended to it.

Cupid came along again, as he does, and sprinkled more love dust in my direction. I am so fortunate that Cupid led me to my valentine, the love of my life, this place where I feel cherished. It is true, what they say. I had to assign value to myself in order to feel cherished by the person who loves me. And she does. And I can feel it. And it is the sweetest thing I can imagine.


I love you.

15 comments:

  1. You are so easy to love... ILY2... ;)

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  2. Wonderful post and this is a sure sign you will be having a great Valentines day. It's hard to see and utilize the power we have over ourselves because we are told constantly by society that happiness is based on whether or not we're in a relationship and not about being happy with who we are before being happy with someone else. We're told that being with someone will fill all those inner problems and holes within us through magic or something. While it makes for great codependency, a relationship does it not make. Congrats on meeting your expectations and getting the healthy relationship you deserve.

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  3. Sometimes Cupid is a real bitch and delivers something to one person and not to the other...But sometimes, he does just what he's supposed to. And this is no doubt one of those cases. I'm so grateful to know you through your writing--such an authentic, loving person who knows who and what SHE loves! Hope you two enjoy the weekend. -Susie

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  4. wishing you a very happy valentines weekend! Oh, and where's that suit of armor? Still in the closet hopefully. Anyway, bundle up and keep warm :)

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  5. SB - hope you're feeling better!! We have an interesting weekend planned. Like almost all others, it is crammed full of chores and activities. But one night we are taking 2 nephews to see a STOMP performance. I know it will be lots and lots of fun. Happy valentines to you!

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  6. Thank you! The armor is back on and shinier than ever. Gotta be a man!

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  7. You're right we can't truly love another or let them love us unless we love ourselves. A truly beautifully written from the heart post. Happy Valentines!

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  8. Sprinkle twice? That's some blessing right there! No boyfriend in high school? i don't know about that Diane, from your pictures, it seems like you've been a looker your whole life. happy valentines!

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  9. Aw, this is such a wonderful love note!
    Happy Valentine's!

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  10. It's startling, thinking back, that an otherwise intelligent person (me) would spend so much of her life as part of the legion of the walking wounded not not give it much notice. Thank goodness for antidepressants and psychotherapy. happy valentines to you and your own valentine!

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  11. thank you Paul. I have my mom to thank for my features - at 75, she's an amazingly beautiful woman. I'm just lucky and some days look better than others. Happy valentines to you!!

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  12. Thank you Maureen, and pink hearts to you! Still looking for the hairstyle ideas....? hope you have a lovely weekend.

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  13. Spot on, my dear, and a beautiful testament to finding Love. Sometimes it takes more than one try to get it right...something I know form painful experience. Excellent post!


    (P.S.: Where did you see a donkey?)

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  14. What a gorgeous reflection on the nature of love and the ways in which self-knowledge and self-respect combine to deepen and sanctify true love when we find it. I don't usually go all in for Valentine's Day, but it sounds as if you and your Valentine deserve to have a very special one indeed.

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  15. "It is true, what they say. I had to assign value to myself in order to feel cherished by the person who loves me."

    How true that is, and yet how hard it can be to truly understand and believe! One has to make that leap of faith and get there in order to believe it, and that's a lot easier said than done. Cannot be explained or taught, just like any other leap of faith, it has to be lived and experienced.

    I'm so glad you made it!

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