08 March 2010

Red carpet moment

I’m going to be 49 soon. In one week. If I were to consult an actuarial table, I would be certain to learn that more than half my life has already passed.

Since I started writing this online diary and reading others’ blogs regularly, I’ve tried to keep an honest perspective about a variety of circumstances that weave through my daily existence. And then a bit earlier today, I read an essay by Katrina at Ordinary Day Journal. It made me recall a watershed moment in my life that opened my vision to see an alternate path. One that I eventually took years later.

As a youngster, and even as a young adult, I had the feeling that I somehow stood apart from the rest of the population. And not in a bad way, like I had body odor, but in a secretly special way. As though I had some unique talent, skill or intelligence that one day, the world would acknowledge. In the meantime, I worked really hard to accelerate my career. Honest to goodness hard work. But, I don’t know, in the back of my mind the thought was always there – what I was doing now was merely a resume entry for the grandeur that would surely come next.

However, one day it occurred to me that my life was exactly as it appeared to be. I was not being considered for a Nobel Prize, was not an esteemed author, a notable composer, nor an accomplished entrepreneur. The word that bounced around inside my head was mediocre.

Mediocre.

It sounds considerably harsher now than it felt at the time. But it was as though an old fashioned alarm clock had started ringing. Noisy and persistent. Pay attention—this is your life! I had a middle-class American life. Nothing to either brag about or feel ashamed of. But since I was subconsciously waiting for the proverbial red-carpet moment for my life to begin, I let my days slip past without much notice. Until that alarm clock bell.

I don’t have all of life’s answers, because I am still learning, still finding the questions along each day’s journey. Like Katrina, and so many other bloggers that keep my perspective in check, the best I can do is acknowledge the present moment steeped in as much gratitude and joy as I can locate in my heart. And thankfully, I find that it is overflowing with both. Gratitude produces joy, which produces more gratitude.

As I read in a birthday card once, the gift of this day is the day itself. So, bring on 49. I am almost humbled to tears that I have had so many days to live and breathe, walk and talk, smile and love. And my gratitude escalates with each additional day.

16 comments:

  1. After reading this post, I'm at your feet. What you say is so true that you get to describe all of us. Including the awarded ones. And... OK, I already knew that not all the Americans want to be like S. Bullock :P, but I needed someone to tell me so! Thank you so much for your writings. :)

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  2. Oh wow, how beautiful and ~ i guess the word i am looking for is peaceful ~ it feels to settle into what IS and say, THIS is good! thank you for the reminder. And Happy Early Birthday to you, as well.

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  3. I would hardly describe YOU as mediocre. You are brilliant, insightful, reflective, loving, see the big picture---those things can't be said of many people. Thank you for blessing the planet with 49 years of your life. May there be many more years to come.

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  4. Thx dearie. And thx for reading. Didn't mean for it to sound so terribly self-depracating. It's not. But in the after-glow of the red carpet Oscar moments, it reminded me of the cruel way that I, and perhaps so many others, set myself up to discover that symbols of prosperity and success and happiness are merely metaphors present in everyone's existence, in some form.

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  5. thank you! In all honesty, it's purely about the cake. Yellow with chocolate frosting. We're on the cake countdown.

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  6. Fullet, you are so kind. Thanks for reading and thanks for sharing your creativity, I always look forward to clicking over to your part of the world. Takes a mere nanosecond. Not so far at all. About this topic though, the weird thing was that I sort of felt betrayed after I had this realization. And now, I'm not sure if my feeling of betrayal was due to the fact that I had let so many pages of the calendar turn without much notice, or if I truly had hoped to have an actual red-carpet moment at some juncture in my life. It seems almost ridiculous that I might have felt that way, but I have to be honest about it. Might be interesting to discuss it?

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  7. Isn't it freeing to know that we don't have to grace the cover of People or Time magazines to know you are valued. It is the "mediocre" who touch lives in real ways. I know my life has not been touched more than in a superficial way by anyone famous. The ones who've graced my life in meaningful ways are mediocre by the standard set by society, but by the standards set by my heart they are anything but mediocre. Happy birthday to a brilliant and beautiful soul.

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  8. What a great post! I'll be 49 in August and each year I feel more and more like this. Live in the moment. Each day is full of grace. Enjoy your birthday you amazing woman!

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  9. What a lovely, touching birthday gift Sue! Thank you. And thank you for the inspiration you share constantly.
    xoxo

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  10. Would so love if you could join us for birthday brunch this coming weekend! Couldn't we just blink our eyes and make it happen? Yes, I have so much for which to be grateful. Thank you Maureen!

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  11. I'm with Gropius: you - your perspective, your writing, your wisdom - are about as far from mediocre as it gets. If only we lived in a world in which you were mediocre! :)

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  12. Thank you Kristen. Again, wasn't really trying to appear to be self-depracating. For me, the reflection in the mirror just didn't seem to take shape for a long while, it was if it was still forming. But it was my own error. I just did not look closely. Thanks for the very present insights that you share.

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  13. Speaking for myself only, I started really living in my late 40s.....everything else up to that point, I was just pursuing those things that others told me to want. THIS is the best time of my life and the clock is ticking.....so I better get busy.

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  14. It's surely interesting, Dex! In my opinion, we all have internalized this red-carpet moment. And I think that this feeling of betrayal is also an internalized custom, something that came from the outside, and that it's very difficult to forget about it and try to find our own path. I could be easily consumed thinking of that red-carpet moment, and I'm not a good counselor at all... But here's my suggestion: after having that realization, there's no need to rid ourselves of our vanity. We need vanity in our everyday life, in our relationships, and it won't betray us if we know ourselves a bit. (I have to stop here, my English skills are limited. Thank you for your kind reply!)

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  15. So weird, I had a conversation sort of like this with a colleague a short while ago. (were you eavesdropping? just kidding) Thanks for your sage point of view, as always!

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  16. My birthday is coming up soon and I had that mediocre feeling myself. But you are anything but. You are 49 and just getting started.

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