Cat fancy

I think I may be coming down with a case of insanity.

Have you ever seen that cartoon about the person trying to give a pill to a cat? Right, not as easy as it sounds. A set of shredded draperies and a trip to the emergency room later, the pill is still not in the cat’s tummy.

Well, I have a cat. Marlow lives in the house with me and Cristy and the five dogs. Marlow loves the dogs. But he is still a cat and has cat behaviors. One of those behaviors is sharpening his claws on the upholstered furniture. I’ve lived with cats for a large portion of my life and have witnessed the slow death of upholstered furniture to cat scratching.

Time to nip this in the bud.

Scratching posts are great. Cats love them. But for some reason they just don’t get it that the addition of a scratching post in the house means that they must give up scratching the upholstered ottoman. Doesn’t make sense to a cat.

Squirting cats with water is not a great idea. Cats don’t like it and they have long memories. They take their time in plotting out revenge, a revenge that will not be pleasant for the revenge recipient. I know this from experience. I don’t want to get on Marlow’s bad side.

So, I heard of a humane solution for scratching. I called my vet and asked if they offered a procedure to apply plastic tips to cat claws. Sort of like acrylic nails. They said no, but I could buy the product and just do it myself. I did a quick google search for plastic covered cat claws and found what I was looking for. There were some impressive photos and step by step instructions on the product web site.

First, you trim the kitty’s claws with clippers. Then you put some adhesive on one of the rubber tips, press the kitty’s paw gently to extend his claw, and just affix the tip to the claw and hold it in place for a few seconds. Then just repeat this easy procedure for the remaining claws.

I thought to myself. You’ve. Got. To. Be. Kidding.

So I called the vet’s office right back and said I needed to get a prescription sedative (for the cat).

I asked Cristy if she would help me and she thought I might need to get a prescription sedative for her, too. And some painkillers to dull the pain from the razor sharp incisions Marlow was likely to make ALL OVER OUR BODIES.

Believe it or not, there’s even more to this crazy story.

Marlow has recently discovered the fireplace and for some reason he wants to go into the fireplace. As a result, his fur is now dirty with soot. I’ve tried to rub it off with a damp towel, but he doesn’t like this idea very much and it is not a highly effective method for cleaning off the soot. He keeps running away from me. I really need to wash his fur with soap and water.

Cristy thinks that when I give him the sedative and apply the plastic fingernails I should take the opportunity to bathe him too. I’m just trying to picture me in the shower with Marlow. There is nothing about that scene that looks like it might have a happy ending.

Uh. No. Definitely not happy. Insane, maybe.