I read an essay by lovely blogger Maureen on Island Roar yesterday that struck a personal chord. This memory has been lingering just below the surface of my consciousness, but I’ve been brushing it away. It is not really that convenient to dwell on it. But perhaps now is the time after all.
In 2005, my marriage, the one that had been slowly crumbling for so long, disintegrated by late summer. That autumn I was living alone and found myself spending the holidays largely by myself that year and for the next couple of years.
I took the trouble to decorate my Christmas trees and relished in the beauty of my small collection of Santas adorning the sideboard. I planned a savory menu of my holiday favorites with a dessert of gingerbread topped with whipped heavy cream. I set the table, poured a glass of wine, silently said grace, and ate my dinner alone.
I remember talking to my mom about it that first year. I was still a little numb but had enough awareness to realize the necessity of walking through the darkness of this part of my life. I needed to travel this path to locate the brightness that was already there. I just couldn’t quite see it. So in that respect, I was grateful for being alone; it was a small step toward another life.
This year has been full of joyful treasures and I am fortunate enough to share this joy with my loving partner in life. By taking the time to awaken from a state of semi-consciousness a few years ago, truthfully examine the part I played in my troubled marriage and the short-lived relationship that followed, I emerged with a renewed desire to live with intention, compassion and gratitude.
In that time of darkness, I always knew that the golden light was shining all around me, I only needed to stand up on my own two feet and walk into its loving, nourishing glow.